Take it from a Crazy Woman!

I think we all have had times in our lives when, for whatever reason, we were struggling and we didn't think we could get through. Hearts are heavy, outlook seems bleak and no matter how comforting our friends and family may be at the time, we felt as if there was no way out. How do you deal with situations like this? Do you run and hide? Do you meet them head on? Do you seek help or even just cry out to the Lord? Dealing with stresses can be overwhelming and without someone to turn to, you can hit a wall of depression and sadness that you may not be able to recover from.

Gosh, how depressing this all seems! I share this though to say, We have all been there! There is no one, not one person that has had a smooth road. No one person that has not had some type of pain in their lives that they didn't think they could get out of. Some people are better at hiding their pain. Some people refuse to face their trials and would rather ignore them hoping that, in time, it will all go away on it's own. I for one, am guilty of them all. It took me years to learn how to not let my emotions control my decision's and find a clearer and more perfect way in facing my worries. Not to say that I don't have worries. I still cry, I still wonder but I can honestly say that my problems and my stress have been lessened because I have been able to rely on the one person in my life that I know will always be there to get me through. I like to call him Lord. He's my best friend. He's my comforter and the one 'person' I know I can turn to that will not steer me wrong.

I can't begin to tell you, how many times, in the past, my sweet husband had found me balled up in a corner, crying because I could not see how our lives were ever going to be right again. You see, after my mother's passing, so many changes took place and most, were unexpected changes that literally changed our world. At one point I just knew that God had decided that loosing one parent wasn't enough so he took another, though not by death, to teach me some sort of lesson.  I spent years trying to figure out just what that lesson was. So many years wasted being angry over circumstances that I had no control over and so many years not seeing that, while I may have been hurting, the Lord was only trying to get my attention. He was trying to show me that, the lessons my amazing mother had taught me so many years ago about His Love, His Comfort and His ability to carry you through when you knew you couldn't go on any more, were absolutely true. Not that things got better but they got easier.

In the last 6 years, my sweet Craig became ill. Due to his illness, he was no longer able to work. No work, no health insurance. No health insurance, treatments were paid for out of pocket. In time, we lost our home, our vehicles, our savings, most of our possessions but we never lost hope. It was the one thing that we could hold on to. Had we not had that hope in the Lord, I don't think we would be where we are today. Don't get me wrong, things are not any easier today. I have seen my husband go from this physically strong man to someone who has to rely on others for help. That, has been the toughest for me and also for him. Craig only received his diagnosis within the last few months (Which now means he can finally get the treatment he needs and deserves and also, he will now be eligible for money that he put into the system for so many years). But still, the belief that the Lord has a plan and we know that He wants nothing but the best for us, is what sees us through.  Once we put our trust in Him. Once we handed control over to Him. Once we learned that He had our best interest at heart and there was nothing we could do that was going to be better than what God was doing, life became so much easier to deal with. Let me also say that while Craig and I have always had a beautiful marriage, what we have been through, has made our marriage even stronger. I can't imagine my life without Craig.

Everyday there is a blessing. Whether it be a gift or a phone call from a friend that wants us to know that they are thinking of us and love us or a blessing through an innocent conversation with a stranger that turns your heart around. I can't imagine living any other way. Gifts of love, through the Lord Jesus Christ are awe inspiring so much so that my heart is filled with boundless joy. Yes, I still avoid answering the phone as to not have to deal with a bill collector, LOL, and I do get discouraged but because I know that God is in control, I know that the days of my husband finding me balled up in a corner crying, are over. Now, Craig finds me, going outside my comfort zone, sharing, volunteering and hopefully giving back for all that has been given to us.

OK, so you're sitting there thinking...Does this crazy person have a point to this blog or is she just rambling. Well, the answer is Yes and Yes. My point would be, if you feel you are sinking. If you feel that there is no hope. If you don't feel as if there is anyone you can turn to. Please, take the word of a completely emotional crazy woman...There is hope. There is comfort. There is someone who wants to see you through. His name is Jesus Christ. He has already given up His life for you. Now, you only need to give Your Life to Him.

Are they really beyond help?

Recently, in our local news, I heard about a 2 yr old little girl that was beaten to death by her 11 yr old babysitter. So many things bother me about this story but three questions resonate within me. First, why would any mother allow an 11 yr old child to babysit for them? Second, where was this 11 yr old's parent when she was beating this child to death and thirdly, the question that I can't stop asking myself, what makes an 11 yr old child so angry that they would commit such a crime. I feel that this is one of the questions that the authorities need to be asking themselves.

I believe that most of you know that our younger 6 children are all blessings through adoption. We didn't go through a private agency. We chose to go through the Foster Care System. This choice scared so many people. Some of the things said were "You won't know anything about their birth families", "What if there is something that you can't 'fix' within the child?" and the one question, that still, to do this day bothers me is, "Aren't the children in Foster Care beyond help?" Our oldest daughter was 15 yrs old at the time that we began the adoption process and even she was asked these bizarre questions by her peers. For us, we couldn't imagine not going through this process. Now, I'm not saying that we didn't have fears but we knew that with love and lots of patience, we, as a family, could get through any challenge that our 'children in waiting' could throw our way.

We didn't have to wait very long before our family started coming together. We were well aware of the struggles ahead and we knew that is wasn't going to be easy. For those that doubted, we felt we needed to prove to them that these 'Broken Children' with the 'Unknown Pasts' were worthy of not only our love but were also deserving of a fresh start. Ghosts of the past could be put to rest and a bright future was at their fingertips.

Our children have proven time and time again, what love, stability and just plain ol' happiness can do for a child. If they were, as friends and family described, 'broken' before, there surely is no sign of it now. I think this is why this news story has bothered me so much. I question what has happened in this child's home. What happened to her that would cause so much anger and what, if any, did her mother do to get her help. I say this because, this type of anger doesn't happen all at once. There had to have been other situations that would have set off an alarm in this mother's head. Was she in denial? Did she just brush it off as typical behavior? I can't wrap my mind around it. It's proof to me that these so called 'broken' children don't exist only in Foster Care but are in many homes, in many walks of life and with their birth families. If I learned anything from this story it's that we all can influence a child's life and hopefully change their future.

Hug your children today people. Thank the Lord that you haven't had to suffer such a tragedy and more so than anything else, if you have a chance to give back, get involved in a child's life that you feel needs more stability, more love and more happiness.

Help! Let me out!

I want to thank everyone for the sweet comments sent regarding my first blog post. Matthew's birthday brought a wide range of emotions for me and writing, for me, is my therapy. I have been told and shared with others, I have a tortured writer inside me begging to be released. With my life being as busy as it is though, there isn't a lot of time in my day to sit down and put my thoughts to paper SO with the wonders of technology, here I am.
No Pulitzer Prize winning articles here just my random thoughts, experiences with my children and my husband and memories of my life, jotted down. Not that I have had an exciting life but I have to admit, there have been some very unique and amazing coincidences throughout my life that I have been told, (Remember Kevel?), would make a great book.
So, sit back, grab a cup of coffee and enjoy my ramblings. I hope that they make you smile, maybe make you think, show you that true love does exist and that with faith, you can make it through absolutely anything.

Volunteerism and Children

I had the opportunity this week to volunteer at a local food pantry. The great thing about it was I was able to take Melissa (18), Candace (17) and Nicholas (12) with me. In the beginning I wasn't exactly sure how well this would work out. I mean, to be honest, you never know what type of people you are going to be working with. Admit it, it's everyone's fear to be standing next to a person that looks as if they are homeless, someone doing community service or a trustee from the local jail.
Myself, it isn't something that has ever bothered me. I was blessed to have been raised by a Mother that always taught me and my brothers to have emapathy, not sympathy, for those that have had to travel a tougher road than the one we traveled. It was by the grace of God that we, as children, didn't end up homeless.
We worked hard on Monday. We were there for over 4 hours. Standing, carrying cases of food, packing boxes, cleaning, etc. It was much more than what I expected and I wasn't sure what the children's feelings were going to be about the day.
At one point I turned to see Nicholas, working along side a mentally disabled adult and having what looked to be a pleasant conversation. He later told me that he wasn't too sure what they were talking about but that the gentleman was smiling and that was enough for him.
When our time was over we gathererd our things and came home. Nothing much was said that night about our day. I chalked it up to the kids being tired. Today though, all three of the children asked me if we would be going back to help. I told them that I would be and that if they wanted to, they could come back with me. Surprisingly, all three said they wanted to return. Our sweet Candace said, "I want to help. I want to make sure that kids in our town get everything that they need."
As parents, we focus so much of our time on our children's school and homework, on their sports events and while that is all imporant, how often do we sit down and take the time to explain to them how important it is to give back? I think, as parents, we are all guilty of that. Life get's so busy we forget about making it a point to teach our children just how blessed they are to have the things they have. No matter how little they think that is, there are always those that have much less.
I know for my family, the last 6 years have been the toughest. We have gone without. We have lost and we have struggled. We still have not come out of that valley BUT still, we have more than so many others. Our blessings far out way what we don't have.
That said, if you ever have the chance to volunteer for a oragnaization that gives back, get your children involved. You never know just how much they are being touched. Don't take for granted that what you say is making a difference. Most of the time, it is what they see us doing that makes the bigger impact.

Happy Birthday Matthew Joseph

A little over 7 yrs ago Craig and I traveled to a small farming community in California to meet what could be our new son. As we drove up to the small home in the middle of a cotton field my stomach filled with butterflies. I was excited but at the same time scared at what may lay ahead.
We were told that this 18 month old little boy couldn't or wouldn't talk and at this young age was filled with rage. I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that at such a young age, he had rage. What were we doing? Did we want to bring this type of child into our home? All I knew is that, even with all the questions and fears I had, I needed to meet this little person.
As we walked through the front door of the modest farm house, there stood the most beautiful little blonde boy I had ever seen. I remember thinking, "How could someone so angelic looking be so angry? The Social Worker must be wrong." Within minutes though, I was given proof that everything we were told was true.
As I sat down on the floor to introduce myself to this little boy, he looked at me, screamed as if I had hit him, threw his bottle at me and ran and hid under a nearby table. UGH! My heart broke and I immediately wanted to leave but something inside of me, God, told me to stay and leave my heart open to Matthew.
Our first visit with Matthew was very disturbing for me. I couldn't see him ever wanting to be my son. I couldn't see how we were going to be able to give him the help that he needed but at the same time I was picking up the phone, calling his Social Worker and asking him to do whatever he needed to do to bring Matthew home to us. Had I gone insane? The Lord assured me though, that I had not. A week later my little 'Angel' came home to us.
That first night I soon realized that there would be many sleepless nights and days full of screaming, crying and frustration. As the weeks went on, I didn't know if I had it in me to change this little one. I didn't know if he would ever allow me to love him. Again though, The Lord assured me that in time, Matthew would bring us 'joy unspeakable'.
Matthews adoption was finalized in 2003. While we can reminisce of 'what was', it is now as if we are talking about a different child. He is a different child. The little boy that once had no light in his eyes, now has eyes full of joy and love. When Matthew looks up at you with those big bright eyes and tells you that he loves you, not only can you see it but you can feel it. Yes, there are days when his problems can overwhelm me and days when I wish he couldn't talk but when the day is done and I look into his face, I can't imagine my life without him.
While his hair color has changed and he has grown, he is and always will be my Little Blonde Angel.

Happy Birthday Matthew Joseph.